your backpack feels like you fail your classes.– overheard in my leadership class this morning
Somebody tattooed a giant tree on Monta Ellis →
i <3 that this makes it sound like monta ellis was raped by a tattoo artist.
in skyrim there’s dragons. so many dragons, like millions of them…...– husband whisper shouting about a video game as he tucks me in
Japanese Anti Rape/Mugging Dress Transforms Into... →
this is definitely clark kent’s rape prevention kit.
brilliant-disguise: unicornery: DeCicco Brothers Unicornery, off Route 13 in Passaic NJ! I’m reblogging this again because it’s probably one of the most amazing things I found this year on tumblr. AND I DON’T EVEN LIKE SNL. um. my life was just completed.
well i’m as surprised as anyone, but i’ve developed empathy for khloe kardashian. any joke about her weight is as good as bullying to me, and yeah, i know she’s famous and she has gobs of money and all sorts of privilege, but she’s still a person, for pete’s sake. i’m not saying there aren’t a million other reasons to make fun of khloe kardashian- her...
why don’t you just go fuck a producer?– my husband, when i said if ellie goulding can get record deal i could, too
i’m not sure if i can tell the difference between iraq and iran, but i...– alan jackson’s song “where were you when the world stopped turning”, neatly summarizing everything that is wrong with america. touche, sir.
i’m the kind of asshole that is afraid to apply for a job because i’m afraid i won’t even get an interview while being simultaneously afraid i’ll be offered the job and have to make a decision.
Anonymous asked: are you a wizard
i believe assault should be legal if the person is a jerk– leslie knope (amy poehler), parks & rec
if i hadn’t just caught a moment of america’s best dance crew while searching for sleep just now, i probably never would have recalled the one season i watched that show faithfully. like to the point where i knew each crew’s general style and i would predict how they would handle challenges with a chilling degree of accuracy. clearly this was a dark time in my life.
i am undeniably my mother's daughter
i get home from my book club at 10:40 and see the house is dark, the driveway empty. my FIRST THOUGHT is: something awful has happened to husband on his way home from work and he’s injured/dead. it takes me 10 solid minutes of freak out to remember he plays rec league hockey on wednesday nights and i am a moron.
because i'd rather die than gain weight
this blog is dangerously close to being renamed “reasons i miss smoking” and becoming a home where i can express all of my socially unacceptable appreciation for my nicotine fix. there are a lot of things i miss about smoking and it’s only been three days. supposedly the first three days are the hardest. if tomorrow i can see someone smoking and not want to strike them down...