night strangers

achievement unlocked

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 03:14:03 -0400

tonight i got booked on the punchline’s sunday showcase for july 21, and i can’t wait to get on that stage. i have a feeling it is going to be like getting a dose of comedy heroin. let’s get ready to chase the dragon, folks. july 21. 8pm. sunday showcase at the sf punchline. too happy to fall asleep.

People are laughing at me: June 2013 Newsletter

Sun, 16 Jun 2013 00:06:57 -0400

SHAMELESS SELF PROMOTION: i have a blog for my comedy, and this is the june edition of my newsletter. read it, share it, ignore it. i’m not the boss of you.

hialyjones:

check it out!

forlackofabettercomic: This might sound crazy, but just hear me...

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 12:37:24 -0400

forlackofabettercomic:

This might sound crazy, but just hear me out for a second…

…It’s cancer.

AHAHAHA this is the best, and it made me think of fred...

Tue, 28 May 2013 22:11:01 -0400

AHAHAHA this is the best, and it made me think of fred immediately.

caitlincato: djlegz: I don’t like sports, but the Bearcats are...

Tue, 28 May 2013 22:03:41 -0400

caitlincato:

djlegz:

I don’t like sports, but the Bearcats are my new favorite team.

This guy is perfect.

1) i dare you to watch this and NOT laugh

2) you really ought to be following kevyhawkins. his tumblr is why tumblrs exist.

Today's Assignment: Today's Assignment: Fathers by Justin Alan

Wed, 22 May 2013 02:20:15 -0400

Today's Assignment: Today's Assignment: Fathers by Justin Alan:

todaysassignmentblog:

My father story can be quite depressing. Seeing as this is typically a humor and/or comedy oriented magazine I will get the bummers out of the way up front, and then we can all have a nice fart and be on with the article.

When I was 16 years old (25 now) my father killed himself. Thoughout his…

a really great reflection on the relationship justin had with his dad, and a beautiful reminder of the positive impact parents can have, no matter what their flaws are. proud to be this dude’s friend.

Today's Assignment: Today's Assignment: Beards by Justin Alan (Topic Submitted by Tirumari Jothi)

Wed, 15 May 2013 02:19:52 -0400

Today's Assignment: Today's Assignment: Beards by Justin Alan (Topic Submitted by Tirumari Jothi):

todaysassignmentblog:

When I say the word “beard” what comes to mind? A burly sea captain with ice stuck to his gray streaked beard, graying at an early age due to having seen his whole crew taken down by a giant octopus mer-hooker? An epic picture of the mythical Zues wielding his godly member around a slew of half…

Today's Assignment: Today's Assignment: Video Games by Aly Jones (Topic submitted by an 8th grade boy)

Tue, 14 May 2013 20:09:17 -0400

Today's Assignment: Today's Assignment: Video Games by Aly Jones (Topic submitted by an 8th grade boy):

todaysassignmentblog:

Look, I thought the same thing as you: a 13 year old kid wants me to write 400-600 words on a shitty Lana Del Rey song? Why has the world forsaken me so? But then I remembered this topic was suggested by a kid who reads Prima guides for silent sustained reading, so I guess he meant actual video…

Today's Assignment: Penis Size by Aly Jones (Topic submitted by a coworker who will remain anonymous)

Tue, 14 May 2013 00:31:36 -0400

Today's Assignment: Penis Size by Aly Jones (Topic submitted by a coworker who will remain anonymous):

here’s a thing i wrote for a new (mostly humorous) blog project i’m part of. i had to write about dick size because that’s what i was assigned. read it, follow, share. i love you, no matter what you’re working with down there.

todaysassignmentblog:

I don’t know if I’ve ever met a guy who isn’t obsessed with the size of his peen, or perhaps more accurately, the size of his peen relative to other dudes. There are stereotypes about penis size that I needn’t repeat for you to know what I’m talking about. There are cliches about penis size that I also needn’t repeat. The real question is does it matter?

Of fucking course it matters. Now, before you get all paranoid about what you’re packing, let me say that issues with size go both ways. I worry about too big as much as I worry about too small. Because no one ever talks about too big, I’ll start there. If you’re rocking something the size of an infant’s arm, it’s simply impractical. High five on your ability to intimidate dudes in the gym locker room, but for the most part, no one wants that in their body. The main problem with an enormous meat missile is that it doesn’t fit comfortably in ANY hole. I can’t comfortably go down on you, and if I’m not comfortable, you’re not getting the best my purty little mouth has to offer. I am no python, so the fact that you’re 8” long and 2” around isn’t a bonus. It just means my jaw clicks constantly as I try not to suffocate during foreplay. Sure there’s some amount of uncontrollable salivation that might look kind of hot as it drips around your nuts, but it’s probably overridden by the fact that I just scraped off the first few layers of your dick’s epidermis with my bottom teeth. I’m also not going to let you anywhere near my vagina because my mom described giving birth as “shitting a watermelon out the wrong hole,” and I’m pretty sure your enormous wang is way too close to that experience for me to handle. Sex is fun because it feels good, not like I’m being torn in two from the inside out. “It burns” is usually an indication of an infection, not a good time. And I’m not even going to get into anal because Justin has written enough about butts for the two of us combined.

At this point, guys with smaller dicks might be feeling pretty good about themselves. Well don’t get carried away; too small is also a problem. The good news, if you’re trying to fuck me, anyway, is that it has to be mighty tiny for it to be too small. The bad news if you’re trying to fuck me is that I’m happily married and take monogamy pretty seriously. Also, raise your standards. I’m sure you could do better. Back to dicks, though. A comfortable size for a lady of my stature is probably somewhere in the 4”-6” range, with an appropriate girth. Any smaller than 4” and it just doesn’t work. There is nothing worse than wanting to answer “Does that feel good?” with “I didn’t know you were in yet.” Because I am not a monster, I would never say that, but fellas- you better know we definitely think it. My colleague that decided the topic told me of a dude she was with who was working with a package the size of her pinkie finger, which must have been awful. Like hope-you-have-a-sterling-personality-and-do-a-lot-of-volunteer-work-with-underprivileged-kids-or-starving-animals awful. The smaller you get, the more limited you are simply because of human anatomy. Certain positions put so much extra flesh in the way that a 2” dick just can’t make its way to Grand Central Station.

Look, honestly, you probably don’t have to worry, but if you really want to know how you measure up, go ahead and click the link above. It will take you to a map of average dick size around the world, because that’s what humanity does when granted access to technology.

Tomorrow I am definitely asking a kid for an idea because hopefully I’ll get to write about unicorns or rollerskates, AKA topics I won’t embarrass my mom with.

kindness != stupidity

Thu, 02 May 2013 11:34:00 -0400

being a comic with a car makes me a hot commodity. i am often asked to give rides to mics or shows (that i’m already going to, duh), and i pretty much always say yes. sometimes people offer gas money, which is great, and sometimes they don’t, which is also fine.

last night i gave a ride to a pretty prominent comic who offered me gas money. the show was about 45 miles away round trip, so when he offered me $10 in gas money, i had to tell him that was too much; my car gets around 23MPG, and i was part of this gas expenditure, too. $5 for his share would be perfect. he was taken aback by that, but obviously happy to give me less.

the thing of it is, some people perceive me taking less money or no money as a sign of weakness or ignorance. they tell me to watch out or i am going to be seen as a mark by others in our community. that is, i will be seen as someone that is easy to take advantage of because i don’t know any better. and that’s what kills me. i am nice, not stupid. i know when people are using me, and those people don’t get shit from me. but it makes me so sad because that’s how being nice is perceived: weak and/or stupid.

i don’t mind giving rides because it’s a dick move not to. i’m already going to be there! sure you can come! just know that if you are a dick to me, or talk shit about me, or use me and never even offer a thank you, my schedule might be too full to accommodate you.

i’m not a mark, i’m just not an asshole. try it some time. it’s a good way to be.

motherjones: cc: Department of Justice. GET OUT OF HERE WITH...

Thu, 02 May 2013 11:23:08 -0400

motherjones:

cc: Department of Justice.

GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR LOGIC AND SENSE MAKING.

jakefogelnest: toddbieber: I’m a filmmaker and an Eagle Scout....

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 01:50:00 -0400

jakefogelnest:

toddbieber:

I’m a filmmaker and an Eagle Scout. This is my message to the Boy Scouts in regards the ban on homosexual members.

This is incredible. Great job, Todd.

liezlwashere: dantelfer: ghost-al-qaeda: If you were watching...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 03:36:47 -0400

liezlwashere:

dantelfer:

ghost-al-qaeda:

If you were watching the news on Friday night (or not, maybe you have a life) while Djohar Tsarnaev was being captured instead of reading some really great things that some really funny people came up with on twitter, here’s a gem you missed from Dan Telfer.

Someone was kind enough to screenshot their favorite tweets in this series, but left the dramatic conclusion out. You can read my entire alternate-universe chronicle of how the boat confrontation went down here.

“…Uncle Ruslan kicks the boat and creates a perimeter of shame.”

Interview: Comedian Paul Jay - Nailed Magazine

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 23:09:44 -0400

Interview: Comedian Paul Jay - Nailed Magazine:

Nailed contributor Josh Atlas interviews comedian Paul Jay as part of our coverage of the 2013 Bridgetown Comedy Fest in Portland, OR.

IT’S TIME FOR BRIDGETOWN! also, paul is very funny. you should read this interview and become a fan.

guess my husband has wu-tang wednesday on the brain.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 19:55:47 -0400

guess my husband has wu-tang wednesday on the brain.

someday

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 19:31:54 -0400

i will be so good at comedy that i will be willing to try new jokes in the middle of showcase sets because they will be strong enough to work out there. i can’t wait for that day to come. i have so much new material that just needs to be worked the fuck out of, and no showcase audience should be subjected to it, but i am a self-conscious idiot doing it for the same 15 people that are at every open mic.

if i could have any superpower, it would be the power to give none of the fucks what people think about me.

*edited to add: while i was in the shower preparing for my show tonight, it dawned on me that louis ck takes a year to come up with an hour and i am mad at my idiot brain for not being able to develop what turns out to be 30 solid minutes in the first 8 months i have been doing this. i really need to lighten up sometimes.

atencio: I feel like this sketch from last season is apropos in...

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 22:46:16 -0400

atencio:

I feel like this sketch from last season is apropos in light of Braid Paisley and LL Cool J’s new duet, “Accidental Racist.”

Also, a note to Brad Paisley: thinking LL Cool J is in any way a relevant rapper to record a duet with actually proves that you’re racist.

KEY AND PEELE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE!

courtingcomedy: 4/11. squelchLIVE Comedy @ 101 Morgan Hall....

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 22:33:09 -0400

courtingcomedy:

4/11. squelchLIVE Comedy @ 101 Morgan Hall. 8pm. $3-$5. Featuring Miles K, Christopher John, Aly Jones, Brandon Stokes, Clare O’Kane, and hosted by Tirumari Jothi. Tickets Available: Here.

i really fucking hate being white sometimes

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 16:35:32 -0400

i am waiting for a meeting at a youth center in east oakland. the room i’m waiting in is called the living room and is a huge space with 8 couches, spread throughout the space. the wall says this room has a capacity of 100. i am the only one in here. in the 20 minutes i have been waiting, four separate young black men have come through the door, seen me sitting here and walked back out. hurray for post-racial america.

clientsfromhell: A client requested I design a calendar. She wanted some of her favourite quotes...

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 02:27:37 -0400

clientsfromhell:

A client requested I design a calendar. She wanted some of her favourite quotes from philosophers on each page. She asked me to credit the quotes she couldn’t remember the speaker for. Eleven of the months were all philosophy luminaries. March was Optimus Prime.